Doug Orleans ([info]dougo) wrote,
@ 2009-02-20 01:46:00
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What is wrong with me?
Last week, [info]aroraborealis hosted her annual LJ Confessional where people were encouraged to post their confessions, anonymously or not. There were a fair number of Post Secret-style deep dark secrets, but many of them were about crushes (it being the week before Valentine's Day). After I posted a comment on someone else's confession, someone anonymously commented that I was hot. It was flattering, of course, but it made me realize that I was actually more interested in getting negative comments than positive ones. (That was the only one I got either way.) It may just be my natural pessimism that makes me believe negative opinions more than positive ones, but mostly I feel I can learn more from criticism than from compliments. I always want to improve myself (I may not always be capable of it, but I always want to), and learning about a perceived fault of mine gives me more actionable information than a perceived strength.

So with that in mind, I am hereby inviting you all to say something negative about me here, anonymously or not (IP logging is off, as always). Constructive criticism would be preferred, but if you just want to insult me, go for it—as long as you really mean it! If you can't think of something to criticize, tell me something about myself that I might not know. If for some reason you don't want to broadcast your complaint, you can email me at dougorleans@gmail.com, perhaps using an anonymous remailer or something (just make sure it doesn't look like spam).

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[info]askesis
2009-02-20 07:23 am UTC (link)
I am hereby inviting you all to say something negative about me here

Your icon is only kind of clever.

There, I said it.

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(Anonymous)
2009-02-20 06:43 pm UTC (link)
You are hot!

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[info]dictator555
2009-02-20 06:48 pm UTC (link)
Is this entry really true? If people did seriously comment (which no one seems to be doing, but maybe they're emailing you) would you take their comments seriously? I think it's more likely that you would shrug and say, "Yes, but that's not important to me." or "That's not a trait that bothers me."

I feel like most of the criticisms I find with you aren't ones you find with yourself, so telling you wouldn't be constructive. As a relatively benign example, I think you watch too much TV. I think it's a legitimate criticism, and I perceive it as a personality flaw. I think you'd be a better person if you watched less TV, and I've told you this before. You disagree. So it's not very constructive to talk about. It's hard for me to think of anything "wrong with you" that isn't a deliberate choice of yours.

Maybe if you narrowed down the kind of criticism you're looking for? It's easier for people to give constructive criticism if you ask "How can I make X better?" rather than "What's wrong with me as an entire person?"

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[info]dougo
2009-02-21 09:53 pm UTC (link)
Yes, this entry is really true. It was an experiment to see what kind of response I'd get. (No one has emailed me so far.) I would take serious criticism seriously, but this doesn't mean I would act on everything. Ideally, I was hoping to find out that there's something I'm doing (or not doing) that I didn't realize and would be easy to change. Like, "you talk with your mouth full", or "you don't smile enough". Except, those are kind of lame examples, which is why I was asking other people.

But even if it's something I already know and don't want to change, it's still good to know how people perceive it. Like, I don't actually remember your criticism about television, so it's good that you mentioned it. Except I'm not sure exactly what you mean by it; if you mean that I spend too much time on solitary entertainment, as opposed to being more social or productive, then I mostly agree with you (although I'm still on the fence about the leisure vs. accomplishment question), and I think that will change soon. But if you mean that, as a solitary entertainment option, television is inferior, then I'd probably disagree with you; I don't think it's really any different from watching movies, or playing video games, or reading blogs, or reading novels, or stamp collecting, or whatever. And, "watching too much television" has connotations of plopping down and vegging out to whatever happens to be on at the time, but with Tivo I am always watching whatever I most want to see at that moment; yes, that includes a fair amount of brain-rotting stuff like Survivor, but I also watch a lot of indie films, documentaries, and Charlie Rose. And these days the best mainstream dramas are as good as the best movies, if not better because they have a lot more time to develop their themes, plots, characters, and settings.

You're right that being more specific would be more likely to get responses, but I don't have anything specific in mind at the moment. Mainly I wanted to see if there was anything on people's minds and they were just waiting for an opportunity to tell me. Also, asking about specific things feels a little close to "do these jeans make me look fat?" and I certainly don't want to go there.

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[info]anyeone
2009-02-20 06:58 pm UTC (link)
Hmm, I wonder if there are self-esteem issues at work given that you don't believe the positive comments? Or masochism, given that you want to hear the negative ones?

I don't have anything negative to say, sorry, but I don't know you all that well either :)

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[info]dougo
2009-02-21 09:10 pm UTC (link)
I think I just distrust positive comments more than negative ones because they can more often be based on ulterior motives (conscious or not). But that's less true about anonymous comments, so maybe it is something else.

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(Anonymous)
2009-02-20 07:48 pm UTC (link)
Sorry, but I think you're hot too. :-) I would have added "me too" on that in the LJ Confessional if I'd seen it. I still might, if I see it when I go back. So you'll know.

Admittedly, I have to also chime in "me too" on the assertion that I don't know you well enough to offer any constructive criticism. Good luck with that, though.

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[info]dougo
2009-02-21 09:20 pm UTC (link)
Maybe this means I should post more, and about more personal topics. I've been thinking about doing that anyway.

Or maybe you should get to know me better!

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[info]42itous
2009-02-21 01:06 pm UTC (link)
You're too tall. I have trouble interacting with people who are that much taller than me. :P

Oh wait, maybe I'm too short... nah.

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[info]dougo
2009-02-21 09:06 pm UTC (link)
I'll try to slouch more!

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(Anonymous)
2009-02-22 04:46 pm UTC (link)
For someone who is inspiringly brilliant (in my opinion), you have no drive to know people other than your immediate circle. And... yes... you don't treat others back when you have been treated reasonably well. Either you are oblivious to it, lazy, or simply don't care.

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[info]dougo
2009-02-24 05:54 pm UTC (link)
Thank you, this is more the sort of response I was hoping to get. I would like to be gracious and just say, "you know, you're right, I'll work on that" and stop there. But I'm not really sure what it is you've seen me do that would make you draw these conclusions. I like meeting new people, and I often try to strike up conversations with people I meet at parties (though I am introverted and sometimes too shy to approach people). And there are quite a lot of people I've met whom I'd really like to know better, but I haven't figured out how without being too forward or nosy. On the other hand, it's true that there are a few people I've met whom I would prefer to keep some distance from, because they make me uncomfortable or we just seem to have incompatible personalities, but honestly this is a pretty small set.

As for not treating others back, I'm sure there are times when I'm oblivious to being treated well (or just absent-minded and forget to return the favor), and I apologize for that. But there have also been times when someone does something for me thinking they're being generous, but it only makes me uncomfortable, so I choose not to return the favor so as not to encourage more uncomfortableness. I realize this may not be the best way to handle the situation, but I think of it as the other side of the Golden Rule: don't treat others better than you want them to treat you. And, again, this is a pretty rare situation.

Regardless, thank you for making me think about this, and I will keep it in mind.

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[info]anotherjen
2009-10-01 12:48 pm UTC (link)
As someone who's only met you recently, I was going to say, "I find you kind of uninteresting," but I realized that the fact that you posted this query has already changed that perception. D'oh!

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[info]dougo
2009-10-01 02:31 pm UTC (link)
Now this is something I agree with. It's been a long time since I was interesting (maybe never). This is related to my "leisure vs. accomplishment" dilemma (accomplishment is interesting), which I'm still on the fence about.

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[info]anotherjen
2009-10-01 03:12 pm UTC (link)
The thing I don't get about that post is this: you seem to think leisure = boring, but that depends on what you do for leisure. Passive leisure is usually boring, like watching TV or movies. But my leisure activity of choice is making art, which people often find interesting. Likewise, I find your accomplishment of a PhD kind of boring, because it's not in a field I personally find interesting, and also because I know a lot of people with PhDs. (Although I should add that, as someone with only a BA, I recognize the tremendous amount of work that went into your degree, and I admire that.)

I also found you uninteresting because when I stopped by, you didn't talk much, but I'm aware that might have just been because you didn't feel like talking with me for whatever reason, and you save your scintillating conversation for other occasions and people. :-)

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[info]dougo
2009-10-01 03:26 pm UTC (link)
I guess I got the impression that you were in a hurry, with other errands to run, so I wasn't in social chatty mode.

And I would count art as an accomplishment. I don't think of it as leisure, because it takes a certain energy to be creative, even if it can also be relaxing or an outlet. But it's a blurry line, and not really a dichotomy.

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[info]anotherjen
2009-10-01 03:37 pm UTC (link)
Most of my leisure is active. I get antsy if I'm not making/doing/changing. But even passive leisure like enjoying TV/movies/books could be interesting if you like to talk about it, analyze it, riff off it, etc. Anyway, boring vs interesting is so subjective.

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